Sunday, June 3, 2012

Finding Forty -Challenge to myself

I started looking for 40 long before it arrived. Pushed forward by the social pressures that reminded me that there was no escape and perhaps my own mind, which liked to dwell in the the future a little too much more than the present, where it could serve me much more effectively. I have under a month to go and I am a woman obsessed. It’s not even physical, okay, once in awhile I look at what looks like a droop around my mouth and the word filler crosses my mind...but really it’s about how to bring meaning into the second half of life. I have played and pondered and worked and done it all as though I had forever to do whatever the big “it” was for me.  And what happens as the time goes on is that you realize the doors are closing on “you can be whatever you want.”  Realistically, you can still do and be most of whatever you want but at this point of the journey it requires more thought as there is less opportunity for a “do over” and no matter what way you cut it, it’s going to be a little bit harder and may take a little bit longer.  And well, no you probably will never make astronaut or rocket scientist so this is where an awareness of crossing things of the list makes you aware of the limiting of options. It seems as though, not too long ago, I was adding possibilities and not deleting them. It’s sobering. I don’t want to fight it, I just want to feel like I am ready to be a grown up. So many days, I still just don’t feel there yet.

Facing forty has been hard. Mostly because I have decided to face it gracefully as opposed to fighting it. It’s not like I am going to win anyhow, the day will come and go regardless of my feelings for it.

I need to clean up my act. Those last bits of bad habits and various past conditioning that holds me back. So now that I am about to become the illustrious 4.0 version of myself, I hereby challenge myself to tie up the loose ends and somehow feel accountable as I put it out into the big cyber void.

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